Everything about my Job was in my mind out of control and everything in my personal life was out of control. Who ever said that God doesn’t put more on your plate than you can handle is crazy. God loads our plate until we realize we can’t handle it and we need Him.
(2 Corinthians 1:8b We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.)
Not trusting God with any of the details I went into overload. For months I knew I was “losing my job” and someone else was going to be telling me how to do things. Not knowing what that was going to look like I lived in fear of ALL the worst case scenarios ie. I would lose my job, become a copy girl, be not important, and so on and so on.
(I Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.)
Then with cancer running in the family and my sister just facing breast cancer that is a fear for me. Trish had told me that the way she found hers is because of an inverted nipple. I woke up in January with the same problem. I scheduled a mammogram and they called me back for a second one and a sonogram. Three days later I am informed I need to have a MRI.
(the only thing we have to fear is fear itself – Franklin D. Roosevelt)
Trying to handle all this by myself (because I am a control freak) I lived in fear and that fear transformed into a person that treated others terrible to try to feel better about myself. Not even realizing I had began to really mistreat my assistant. Just like all other sins you do not choose to be in the middle of it on purpose. I slowly crossed line after line until I had reached the very middle of where I was.
As all good Christian should do she confronted me. I did not like it at all. I had to apologize and then look at myself and the ugly person I had become. Then the amazing grace of God steps in. I looked at who I was and who I wanted to be. I looked at why I was acting the way I was acting. I did not like that I was using the cutting words that my mother would use. Those words had hurt me so many times growing up.
(1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you)
I could no longer control anything! Life was in such disarray at least in my brain. To many I don’t knows!
I had to let God be in control at this point. I had to surrender all to Him. I had no choice but to believe what He had told me. I had to believe in my heart and trust on faith that God was going to keep His word.
(Since He did not spare even His own Son for us but gave Him up for us all, won't He also surely give us everything else? Romans 8:32 )
I have been set free from the need to control. I am set free in my Savior.
Just as God had promised…. He came through. I am a different person than I was . I am cancer free. I have a new “boss” (really just someone with input to what I do, more like a design team)
I know I will have moments that will challenge me not to take control again. But I now have history to fall back on to help me to let go.
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